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A Letter [click here]

(Rock WILK)
February 18, 2009
music and lyrics Rock WILK I just couldn't finish this piece for the past 6 months, everytime I performed it, I just made up an ending, freestyled, because it simply was not "done", and finally, the universe finished it for me, thank you, Natasha, I love you...I will always think of you as a precious, delicate gift that I will carry with me forever, no matter where I go. I'll never forget you.......

so this piece needs an explanation........... This "letter" is my first foray into poetry that is not "hip hop" in style, and as unevolved as it seems, it is my first step in getting to the other spoken word pieces on the CD. "A Letter" was actually born because I had seen a young poet named Jadon perform one of his amazing poems at The Nuyorican one night, and he ripped me open with his honesty and willingness to go places with the audience that moved me to be more honest with my work. Jadon enabled me to deal with these feelings about my biological mother that I had never been able to get to, before. So this piece is a literal rant, in the middle of a public place, letting it all out. The poetry is certainly not evolved, no metaphors here, just a release of alot of emotion that has finally allowed me to get to a much higher, and more developed placed with my poetry. This is the first day I felt like a poet, not just a singer/musician/rapper trying to write poems, I could feel the change happening. Because of this, I have never gone back and edited this poem, I'm leaving it as a "marker" for where I was at this particular moment, wanting to spit this out in a place like Grand Central Station during rush hour, with other musicians playing nearby and people rushing to get the next train. Probably going relatively unnoticed, but for me, this was a profound moment. Some "selfish" poetry, if you will, but a necessary "moment in time" for my personal growth as an artist. "22 Stops To 198th St" is actually a poem that I wrote based on the only information I have about my beginnings, that I got from my adoption agency. Perhaps another marker of how my poetry has grown, same basic subject as here, much different poetry, check it out. So.........with regards to "A Letter", it is what it is. Enjoy! And THANK YOU, JADON!!
so you called me recently
said u wanted to meet
that u would even treat me
that finally
u needed to see me
that u would have called sooner
but u wanted to feel free
from feeling guilty

and so in my mind
this lifelong curiosity
could finally
have an ending
that my feelings of not knowing
would finally be going
away and now
for the first time
my heart would feel complete
because it was u who reached out to me
as it should be
in any normal family

i felt nervous
this impervious feeling of resistance
and insistence at the same time
flooded my emotions
drowned my mind
into confusion
was this an illusion?
this should have happened a long time ago
this is an intrusion
into my acquired mechanism
my long accumulated definition
of who I created all by myself
because I would never allow anyone else to help

And as a result of all a that
I'm all fucked up
because I've never really felt
a part of anything
and as a result i would bring
so much baggage along with me
carried on my back like Sisyphus,
and like him i could never be free
and it's really really hard to find someone
selfless enough
to put up with someone like me
and after all
why should they be

so now this obstruction
that would cause continual destruction
in my life
could be removed
and finally
all of me
would be completely available
to trust that someone would stay with me
my self destructive, imprinted doubt
would finally be released
and i could cease
to continue to destroy
everything I loved

shrapnel could be cleared away
and for the first time
i could just believe
when someone would say
i love you
no longer would they have to prove it
through my insecure games

like my only true love
that came
and stayed
for as long as she could stand it
but I pushed her away

I would finally be equipped
to stay tight lipped and accept love
respect space
and be able to face myself
and finally save myself
from that grave mistake
that I always seem to make
that I can never change
I mean now with this..
perhaps i could finally turn the page

but the truth is
you didn't really call me
in my entire lifetime
you never came to find me
i looked for you
but I guess this meeting was never meant to be
And i've been falling thru the cracks
ever since u decided u didn't want me

and so i just don't know how to set u free
and i always fuck up
what's most important to me
lessons never learned
i do this shit incessantly
& now the pain of my latest loss
is fucking killing me

I mean everything in my life seems to end partially
nothing completely
embraces me
And finally, I have to admit, it's crossed my mind
That perhaps I do this to myself
and although I would love to blame you
I don't even know you
and since you were my vessel
perhaps i should thank you

but i have to admit
albeit secretly
and somewhat embarrasingly alot of the time
i wish u had just aborted me

Dark thoughts pervade my insides
I feel as if I've died
Like a million times
How did you find it so easy to release me?
Amputated yourself from me completely
Just cut me off
Turned me into this referred history
Did you feel anything when you were disconnected from me
Were you curious at all?
Or am I just some discarded, disposable faded memory
You know I did live inside of you for 9 months
and you DID birth me
And you made this big fucking decision all by yourself to let it go to give me away
and you never even told my father about me

i was that bloody wet baby
your bloody wet baby
didn't even take the time to get to know me
and so now finally
I have to set you free

release these shackles
from my ankles and wrists
to emerge from this dark lonesome pilgrimage
ambling, wandering solitary confinement
this journey that has been my constant need for loss

Finally stripped down to nothing but myself
heaven filled with the ghosts of my complicated, painful
perfectly complex
and finally completed past
I realize that I found what I am looking for
and it has nothing to do with you
and that my future is bright

You are every excuse that I have ever made
you are I dropped the ball
the sun was in my eyes during a total solar eclipse

you are the berlin wall
that has kept me from my independence
but I am standing at the brandenburg gate
finally having enough courage to cross over to freedom

I am at the Wailing Wall
ready to climb over
swim through my tears
to my own sacred place
sometimes you have to retreat thousands of years
and reconstruct multiple former lifetimes to find your truth

you have walked with me to get here
followed me across hot, dry desert
the bottoms of our four feet
we are tired
you kept me company
you kept me to yourself

you have been a source of grief and war
my own personal genocide
you have sometimes tried to be the deliberate and systematic destruction of me
but as it turns out
I am a survivor

I am my grandmother
traveling across Russia and Poland alone at 11 years old
tattooed now
ready to be permanent
I am arrived at Ellis Island

thank you for everything I have learned from you
and for being amazing
I love you and always will
because I don't think there is anyone quite like you
I don't think anyone has ever known me like you do
I know you, too.

I have to let you go now.
I am trying to reach a stable place in my life
with some solid ground and a place to work from
things have been crazy and all over the place
I need to work on focusing my goals
I am sorry for the hard time you and I have had
I have found it so hard to break away from our world together
but I have to
it's the only way i can move forward
I want you to, as well.

I will always love you
but I'm finally ready to be home with myself
so I'm letting you go
for real, this time.
this is the only way I can make room to create a new family of my own
My search is over
I'm finally home