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Rock WILK: Blog

Lately.....

Posted on February 12, 2012
grandmother and me The thing about loss is that it is cumulative, it starts at birth, and it is the most natural thing, as normal as life, and equally as constant. Some people experience loss at an early age and others, it comes later in life. I'm not sure which is "better" or "easier to deal with", I guess it's all subjective, but either way, it kinda sucks alot of the time. I have to say, though, that over the past 20 years, slowly I have learned to see the beauty in loss, whether it's a relationship, a career, or death, there is beauty to be found in there if you are willing to search for it, and in my case, I have been able to turn it all into beautiful art, and in fact, that has saved my life, or at least that's how I feel about it. I feel like I have "figured it out", that I see the beautiful, the importance and the lessons in loss, I really feel that way. But..... lately I have felt "different". I feel a little down. Although I am being very productive, as always, I don't feel that "joy" that I always feel, it has been a hard road for me as of late, like I am feeling all of this pressure or "weight", and I couldn't figure out why. I recently lost my dog, Stinson, the most beautiful 14 years of German Shorthaired Pointer that you will ever experience, he was the most magnificent spirit, he completely ruined my life in a way because I loved him so much. So much, that sometimes I wished that I had never met him. I guess I'm half joking, but lately, I realize that the real cost of loving him that much, of getting so much love from him for such a long period of time, complete, unabashed, uncomplicated, unconditional pure wide open love, was in the loss of him. Since Stinson died, the whole world looks different to me, and I guess that makes me feel kinda stupid sometimes, but it's the truth.
I lost my Grandfather in 1981, my Grandmother in 1986, I lost my father in 1988, I lost my mother just a few years ago, I lost my closest friend in 2001, I lost someone I was a mentor to in 2009 to suicide, I lost my marriage just over 5 years ago, and somehow, I have found the most joyful time of my life over this past few years of working on BROKE WIDE OPEN, this journey HAS saved my life, for sure, I was in a very bad place when I started it, and I feel like I have "found my way HOME" in a sense, dealt with my questions of identity and learned "who I am", realized the miracle that my life is, a child given away at birth, fostered 3 times and then finally adopted by 2 of the most beautiful people. THAT... is truly a miracle, I have found purpose in my life, and thru that purpose, joy and love of my existence, but lately..... like I said, I've been kinda "dull". I don't feel like dealing with many people, unless it's about work. I have been hurt a few times lately, strong words that have really stuck with me, but I am generally more resilient than this. I mean, I WILL cut you out of my life in a minute, I DO do that from time to time, but it doesn't weigh me down, it actually usually makes me lighter, it feels healthy, like I always seem to make the right decision with regards to occasionally "cleaning house", but, I have been feeling depressed. I have had this anxiety, and I think I finally figured it out. It's 2 things. One... I recently lost my good friend, Jane Rollins. Mrs Rollins has been like a second mother to me, for as long as I have known her, she "adopted" me and just welcomed me into her home, literally the day I met her, when my old girlfriend brought me home for the first time, I was "in". Mrs Rollins died about a month ago, and I realize that I just can't get over it. Part of it is that her whole generation is dying. She is of my parents generation, and so lately I have been rewinding ALL of my loss. I have literally been going back and consciously trying to remember every person in my life I have lost. I am trying to find the beauty in this moment, but it just hurts, and so I think that's why I am so dull at the moment. Day to day life can hurt, people will say anything to you, and as my Grandmother said to me when I was just 6 years old, "you have a choice, to either be a happy person, or a miserable person", and so I always choose to be happy, but that takes a certain amount of strength and resolve. It's just not there lately, and so I am sensitive. I actually like being like this, and that's why I'm writing about it now. Because everything that is happening in my life in this exact moment is the most raw, honest, clear, TRUTH. For me, this kind of challenging time makes it impossible to gloss over things, to "let them go", life feels so precious for me right now, every second, and so what is good is SO FUCKING GOOD, and what isn't so good, well, it is what it is. I guess I'll just leave it at that because I know, next week, or next month, I will feel much better than I do tonight, and although these truths will not change, and will live in me as exactly what they are, I will be able to process them with more of myself and I won't have to retreat as much as I feel I need to at the moment.
BROKE WIDE OPEN is my truth. 500 NAMES is my truth. Feeling so grateful at the moment is SO my truth, every day. The other day, I signed a contract and dropped a check off at The 45th Street Theatre for the official opening of the REAL, DEBUT, of BROKE WIDE OPEN, later this October. After 5 years of this work, we are going to finally see what happens, and I know I am ready for this. I cried when I signed the contract, because I could feel about 240 other signatures on that check along with mine. I have a lot of love in my life, and what I realize after losing Mrs Rollins is that the best love of my life, is my love of myself, that no matter who I lose, I will always have the love that has accumulated inside of me since my time began on this earth. The love of my Grandmother, my father, my mother, all of my relationships, Stinson, Mrs Rollins. I mean, there is A LOT of chaos inside of my cells, but there is also A LOT of love. Beautiful love, and this past month, thanks to Mrs Rollins, and my dog, Stinson, I have dwelled on all of it, allowed myself to feel every drop of the hurt and pain of losing things in your life that feel comfortable, safe, encouraging, the things that feel like HOME. No matter what happens, I have learned that I am always HOME. BROKE WIDE OPEN has been the journey to guide me to the place where I am able to see that. I plan on telling that story on Broadway one day.