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Rock WILK: Blog

Don't forget about me. Please.

Posted on January 21, 2012
Photobucket As someone who was adopted, I have come to realize that there is this "stuff" in my cells that make me really sensitive about 2 things in particular, one is feeling misunderstood and the second is feeling invisible. Perhaps I am more sensitive to this than most people, I'm not sure, but I know for ME, these are very evocative emotions, they haunt me when I am in the midst of feeling either of them, and in fact, they are kinda the same for me. I'm not sure this makes sense to you, but I have been thinking about this a lot lately as I have been in the midst of my 500 NAMES campaign, because, in fact, I have been experiencing both of these issues during this last month of what should really feel like an amazing accomplishment to me thus far, and mostly it really does, but there are complexities around being in the middle of something that is the most important moment in your life, something that is truly an accumulation of everything and everywhere and everyone from your life leading up to this defining moment, and I guess this is how I live. It seems like everything I do is putting "everything on the line", but as that may seem risky, or perhaps stupid to some, for me it's literally the only way I know how to live. I don't consciously think about living on the edge of a cliff all the time, it just seems to happen, I give all of myself to everything that I do, and that means each day is my life's work.
And so 500 NAMES has brought up a lot of emotions for me. I have been gifted with 179 people contributing to my life's story already, in just over 4 weeks, I have raised almost $7,000 toward being able to fully mount BROKE WIDE OPEN in a way that I have dreamed about every night for the past 5 years, yet I have also had my intelligence, my integrity, my intent, and my character questioned. I have also had some very important people in my life completely ignore 500 NAMES, and that has brought me quite a bit of pain, but I have endured a lot of loss in my life, and I'm not really talking about the death of those close to me, I have certainly had my share of those people leaving me, but that is something that is not difficult to understand. People live and they die, death is a part of life, actually a sometimes very beautiful part of life, but in any case, it IS, indeed a part of life that is very tangible, easy to understand. What I'm feeling today is the loss of stability from moment to moment, to knowing who your "people" are, to thinking you know "who" people are or "what" they are about, I'm feeling "lost in translation" a little bit, perhaps disappointed and confused, in some cases attacked, in others abandoned, but............. this is all a part of my journey, and so I try to learn from all of these experiences, all of these people, and mostly, I try to learn from myself and all of my decisions, good decisions and bad decisions, my mistakes, my bad judgement from time to time, those moments where I was SO SURE of something or someone and then found out I was completely wrong. Those moments when I made a decision that I was sure I KNEW what something or someone was after experiencing something with them, and then, everything changing in a moment, in a split second and realizing that I DON'T KNOW SHIT. This is what I'm saying. I don't know ANYTHING about ANYBODY except for me and my journey and my work, and so as far as the rest of all of this...... I ride with it, I take responsibility for my part in what I am feeling, even if I have no idea why things turn out the way they do from time to time, why people change from day to day, I will remain solid as a Rock. I realize this, as well.... to YOU, I may not seem like all of that at all. You may even feels strongly about that, but at the end of the day, you need to realize that YOU don't know shit, either.
I am grateful to those who are there for me, 500 NAMES IS literally my family, I'm not sure that most people can truly grasp that. The gesture of support saying that you believe in me, my journey and BROKE WIDE OPEN, means the world to me, and so to all of you who have gotten on my bandwagon, I love you all, I sincerely hope I am making some kind of contribution to YOUR life, and I want you to know that, SERIOUSLY... that is why I wake up every morning. I want BROKE WIDE OPEN to make YOU better. Feel better, BE better, I want my work to help you, and I want you to never forget about me. We all have our "stuff". This is mine. I want to be remembered as someone who did great things, someone who gave back, someone who didn't just take up space, someone just a little bit above the average, someone willing to step up and be a leader, unafraid to speak, to stand up for those who cannot or are not willing to speak for themselves, and someone who does amazing work. Committed, honest, hard work. I want to be remembered as someone who could fly.
Don't ever forget me. Please. I NEVER forget about you, not even for a moment.